The Korea Chronicles, Volume V

Greetings, precious blog reader(s).

The author sits at home listening to the raindrops arrhythmically beat against the window, eating biscuits and drinking tea. He is slightly vexed. By the rain? No. By the incorrigible beasts (Korean real estate agents) who seem to delight themselves in disturbing his privacy at least once, but sometimes several times a day, often in the midst of him partaking in one of man's greatest pleasures (naps).

But I digest.

After all, they are simply doing their job, albeit very aggressively. (sigh)

"I'm sorry to hear that, Erik. Why don't we engage in some confabulation about recent events?"

Ok. Well, the reader may recall from a certain previous post, how the author solemnly vowed to exact his revenge upon the nation of Korea. Many of you are undoubtedly wondering, how will this vengeful oath manifest itself? Perhaps, some of you were even pleading on the behalf of Korea, hoping that I would be merciful, as the esteemed Jean Valjean was merciful to even the worst of his enemies.

To you, I apologize. The proverbial loins have been girded. The proverbial war chariots have been readied. The manifestation has already begun. In what form, you ask?

Various forms, but mostly taunting.

"Taunting? Good heavens, no!!"

Yes, indeed. Here's one for the record: "Korea, I fart in your general direction."

Phase One of my revenge consisted of harsh taunts such as these. These unbearable taunts have spewed forth unbridled from the author's lips and, for the most part, have caused irreparable damage. With the very core of Korea's self-esteem having been successfully undermined, the path is now clear for the next phase: total domination. Phase Two of my conquest began this past weekend, and in rare form. Allow me to share the finer points.

Phase Two, Part A: Muuido Island, Incheon Korea.

Muuido is a small island on the west coast of Korea, close to Incheon International airport. The mission? Storm the beach and secure the island.

If imitation is the highest form of flattery, General Douglas MacArthur would be quite flattered at our amphibious landing at Incheon . Muuido's beach was stormed with the aid of this very large and intimidating boat.



Upon this boat stood a crew of inexorable warriors, each specialized in different areas:

Sam Kim - Our local wise man. Expert in jungle warfare.

Ewa Basiukiewicz - Skilled sniper and viciously accurate knife thrower.

Krystle Wilcox - Expert in explosives and decorating pretty stuff.

Christina Welch - World renowned in hand-to-hand combat. Able to smash skulls and other hard things with ease.

Amanda Pickerell - Cut-throat radio operator. Also smashes skulls.

Becky Elie - Possesses expertise in snacks and singing happy songs, which might distract the enemy.

and myself, Erik Johnson - expert in creating flamboyant diversions.


With our powers combined, we were a force to be reckoned with: "Muuido, you who are about to be conquered, we salute you."

"Hello, ladies. Do you like my white socks? Great for flamboyant diversions."


Meet our friend, Jonathan the Seagull. Circling the boat, he would perform awe-inspiring tricks such as catching food projectiles in mid-air and then reciprocating these gifts with a few projectiles of his own: awe-inspiring poop.


We ate some crabs, still clothed in their exoskeletons:

Beaches stormed? Check. Gluttonous lunch devoured? Check. With our energy replenished, the next step would naturally be to draw enemy fire. Using my expertise, I created a flamboyant diversion, while others secured positions:

The weather was beautiful, perfect for a caucasian invasion. Muuido - can you say, "conquered"?

Phase Two, Part B: Shilmido Island, Incheon Korea.

Shilmido is a smaller neighboring island. A little history: this island was used as a secret training camp for prisoners in the 1960's. These prisoners were trained to embark on a secret mission to assassinate the North Korean leader, Kim Il Sung. A sweet movie was made about it in 2003.

The only way to get to this neighboring island was to wait for the tide to recede. It did, revealing a secret land-brigde:

This island had several impressive and daunting rock formations, begging to be conquered by white disease-carrying frontiersmen:

Death was defied on several occasions, such as this one:

But, in the end, victory belongs to the brave and the bold:


Despite many booby traps, murder-holes, and machine gun nest ambushes, Shilmido was taken with relatively low casualties.

Phase Two, Part C: Lake Park, Ilsan Korea.

Lake Park - largest man-made lake in the Milky Way galaxy. Every day at 7:30 pm, there is a delightful water fountain whose movements are orchestrated to a variety of musical selections. This show was attended by the following all-star crew:

Pete Freeburg - A great man who shares my passion for the sacred African art of "clappin". (see note below)

Kelly Freeburg -Talented wife of the above great man who laments that her husband shares the aforementioned passion.

Reuben Haggar - A gallant man who shares my passion for the "Stanky Leg" dance, and who's perfection of this dance is widely anticipated.

(Note: "Clappin" is what I might refer to as "robust rump manipulation", whereby one attempts to attract a mate by vigorously shaking their gluteous maximus at an incredibly high velocity so as to produce the effect of both cheeks clapping together. Demonstrations may be given by the author upon request.)

Back to the story. The fountain show was sweet:

Put a stamp on it and send it home. Lake Park, can you say, "checkmate"?

Final Thoughts

This past weekend was one of the best weekends I have had in Korea. I've adopted the motto "Carpe Diem", which when translated literally, means "Go get' em, white boy". Or, something like that. I'm also becoming more and more excited about the future, as it all slowly sinks in. I'm determined to make May, my last month in Korea, the most memorable ever. The bucket list is ever expanding: bungee jumping, mountain hiking, spelunking, and other risky adventures.

Stay tuned for Volume VI, where I will open the forum to your questions.

Sleazy E, signing out!

(To be continued...)