Thursday, February 10, 2011

Facts and Figures from the Cereal Box

Hey kids! Hold on to your hats! Here are some quick facts and figures from the back of the (insert your favorite low-budget cereal here) cereal box! Hooray!
  1. On more than two occasions in the past week, a feeble and borderline unsuccessful attempt was made to fry chicken embryos in a skillet for breakfast. Realizing that there would not sufficient time (or motivation) to wash said skillet, I did the next best thing - I filled it with water to mollify the charred remains, placed it atop the stove, and dashed off to school with reckless abandon. I returned hours later, only to discover my home permeated and my nostrils inflamed with an overwhelming charred odor originating from this skillet. This event led me to incorporate an amendment in my list of New Year's resolutions to "Try not to cook eggs if you know you won't have time to clean the skillet, or just leave the skillet outside, or something".

  2. Speaking of New Year's resolutions, this year's list comes with many challenges: "Try not to talk with my mouth full", "Try to be a better listener", "Learn to play Asturias on the guitar", "Try not to eat the same meal three consecutive evenings in a row", etc. etc. - among all these, the most challenging thus far has been none other than my resolution to "Smell better". Not so much in the sense of sharpening my olfactory senses, but more in the general sense of not offending the olfactory senses of others. I feel this single step is the most effective way I can become a better person and make a positive contribution to western society in 2011.

  3. In order to achieve the aforementioned lofty goal, I have devised a multifaceted strategy which consists of 1) doubling the frequency of showers from once to twice a week and maybe even three times in the remote possibility of having a date, 2) implementing and enforcing a "one day limit" policy to all undergarments, 3) abandoning my old cologne "Cats", maybe in exchange for something better, 4) maybe trying some scented candles?, and 5) remembering to be cognizant of other living breathing human beings in my proximity and making an honest effort to retain any bodily emissions that might potentially disrupt the peaceful public until the coast is clear.

  4. There are over 27,000 students on campus at the University of Tennessee, at least 1/2 of which are female, leaving us with approximately 13,500. Let us postulate that, of those 13,500, it may be conservatively estimated that 10% (or 1,350) would fall into the category of "matches Erik's desirable criteria". According to the law of statistical probabilities, one might safely assume that I have had ample courage to approach at least one of these 1,350 females on a date (especially armed with the knowledge that I am possession of the fabled Knoxville Coupon Book, a veritable goldmine of discounts on various establishments and potential dating locations in an around Knoxville). Despite these overwhelmingly favorable odds, according to my records for the year of 2011, the cumulative number of ladies whom I have asked to bear the woeful misfortune of going on a date with me remain at a historic low: 0.

  5. When I posed the aforementioned conundrum to my relationship expert, 7 year old niece, Grace, she offered me timeless advice: "Just tell them something nice, Uncle Erik. Like, 'Even though you are small and kind of ugly, I still like you". I thanked her for the sound advice, but honestly, I probably won't use it.

  6. On my kitchen table, sits a 7 lb unopened can of baked beans. It has been there since October of 2010. I'm not sure what to do with this. (If you are interested, please email me.)

  7. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least a little bit tired.

  8. While browsing through the selection of classical literature at the UT Bookstore, I unexpectedly encountered one of my idols: Scotty Hopson, of the UT Men's Basketball Team. While I admire his ability to dominate opponents on the court, I realized what really impresses me about him is his hair. Awe-struck and speechless at this encounter in the bookstore, the best greeting I could muster was an ill-timed and unimpressive "S...s..s..scotty hopson!?", which went largely ignored, along with my attempt at a high-five.

  9. An inexplicable surge of swagger, or perhaps a momentary lapse of reason, led me to follow the footsteps of Scotty Hopson and shave stripes in my hair. The general reaction to these stripes, which seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, was, "Well, don't worry. It'll grow out in a few weeks."

  10. Despite repeated warnings and pleas from others to consider the ramifications of doing so, I have recklessly continued my downward spiral of fashion, as evidenced by my recent incorporation of sweatpants into my wardrobe, some of which are riddled with food stains.

  11. I am currently reading "The Winter of Our Discontent" by John Steinbeck. I like it.

  12. My greatest accomplishment thus far in 2011, I am ashamed to say, has been defeating my old arch-nemesis, "Soda Popinski" from the 1987 hit video game "Mike Tyson's Punch-out". Much to my chagrin, however, this seemingly impressive feat has not at all won the hearts of any ladies, as I had hoped. One may even further hypothesize that the more time I invest in pursuing fulfillment of my childhood quest of defeating Mike Tyson has a direct inverse correlation with my chances at ever meeting a desirable marriage partner.

  13. Speaking of hit video games and unfulfilled childhood dreams, it was in the peaceful quietude of the UT Library whereby I discovered a hastily written and seemingly urgent email had been sent from my sister, simply entitled "Help!!!!!!!". Somewhat disturbed by the title, and concerned that perhaps some serious misfortune had befallen her, I was relieved to discover her plea for help was merely seeking advice on how to defeat the castle on Level 6 of the1991 smash hit "Super Mario World 3". Sifting through my foggy collection of video game memories from age nine, I offered the best advice I could - "Andrea, listen to me very closely. Use those fireballs. Stomp on those turtles and goombas. And, remember - when leaping from pillar to pillar, timing is everything! You can do it!"

  14. Despite our best efforts, the Audiology and Speech Pathology department intramural basketball team is without victory for the 2011 Spring season thus far. (sigh)

  15. It was on the cold dreary morning of February 9th where, on my morning commute to school, fate, or some other mysterious force, would tempt me to eat breakfast at the Burger King located on Broadway Street - a historic, yet run-down and dilapidated area of Knoxville. Despite a strong ill-foreboding premonition about this particular location, the forces of hunger and the temptation of convenience would overcome me, and, as fate would inevitably have it, this breakfast was the worst tasting food that had coursed through my lips and mingled upon my taste buds in recent memory. But, like a good economically-minded single man, I finished every last bite, including the coffee. Which, oddly enough, tasted just like turpentine.

  16. On this same fateful morning, and on this same fateful street, I ventured to an AT&T store which I had serendipitously discovered the day prior. Having finally decided to purchase the replacement for my lost phone, I needed to reactivate my wireless service. I was greeted and assisted by a kind lady, although she appeared not to have slept all night, and when I inquired of her well-being, she revealed the source of her indisposition - a hideous and terrifying eye infection that I had somehow overlooked, and made me shudder to my core. Did I feel sorry for her? Yes. Did I resolve not to touch my eyes until they had been thoroughly washed, and did I took a silent oath never to visit any business establishments on Broadway Street again? Maybe.

  17. Thus far this winter, I have spent an estimated total of 44 hours skiing, and plan to accumulate at least 10 more hours this weekend at Sugar Mountain, North Carolina. Skiing is quickly becoming my new favorite recreational activity, and will one day perhaps eclipse even basketball?

  18. My cooking skills continue to improve by leaps and bounds. Last month, thanks to my dear friend In Kyu, I learned to make a mean plate of spaghetti. This month, I taught myself how to make macaroni and cheese. At this rate, I will have incorporated 12 rudimentary, yet still delightful, dishes to my cooking repertoire by year end.

  19. To say that I do not miss all the great people in Seoul, Korea would be a dirty, filthy lie from the depths of Hades. I do. And, very much so.
Stay tuned for more, exciting quick facts!