Poem: "From an Uncle to a Niece"

It was the stormy morning of November 24th,
In the delivery room, at a quarter ‘til 8.
From room 3213, a cry burst forth.
It was the cry of my new niece, Faith.

That thick black hair, those bright blue eyes,
So delicate are those hands and feet!
By the way, you can call me Uncle Erik,
Such a pleasure it is to finally meet!

Hold on, what's wrong? You're crying!
There's no need to wail and sob!
Just relax while your uncle administers the bottle,
and gives a description of his job:

An uncle’s responsibility is not based on his ability,
Or, in my case, the lack thereof?
My chief aim, dear Faith, is none other than this:
to make you feel special, cherished, and loved.

“Well, that sounds great,” you’d probably say,
“But let’s put it in practical terms.
Can I ride on your shoulders? Will you buy me ice cream?
Or, maybe that bag of sour gummy worms?”

“Will you remember my birthday? Tell funny jokes?
Or, play me in a game of checkers?
And, if you’re far far away, will you give me a call?
Or write the occasional letter?”

All that and more, I’ll do, my dear Faith,
All that and more, I’ll try.
How about piggy-back rides? High-fives, and lullabies?
How about holding you when you cry?

On second thought, let's leave that to mommy –
the whole holding-you-when-you-cry-thing.
She's an expert, don’t worry, she's very skilled
in the art of burping, feeding, and wiping.

When you're three or four, I'll tuck you in at night,
and oh, the wild stories I'll tell!
You'll laugh so hard when I tell my version of
Jonah and the Whale!

The Cat in the Hat! Green Eggs and Ham!
Oh, the fun bedtime stories we'll read!
I'll glance over to gauge your reaction,
and realize you've fallen asleep.

When you're four or five, we'll walk to the park,
on my shoulders you can ride.
We'll stop by the store on the way,
I'll buy you refreshments - oh, look! A kite!

We'll take that kite to the park and find a nice field,
a field where there are no trees.
I'll show you how to tug or unravel the string,
how to sail it in the breeze.

After a while, you'll might get tired of kite flying.
Come sit on the park bench with me.
We'll partake of those refreshments, have a little chat
about anything you please.

We'll head over to playground, like we originally planned,
You can play to your heart's content.
I'll push you on the swings, maybe compose a little poem
as I watch you from the bench.

At about the age of eight, you may say,
"This homework is too hard! It's ridiculous!"
I'll lend you a hand. I'll show you how to do it.
And, maybe even teach you big words, like "serendipitous"!

When you’re about 10, we’ll go to the fair.
We’ll have fun. I’ll win you a stuffed pig!
But don’t be surprised if it takes a few tries,
Those fair games aren’t so fair – they’re rigged.

You'll grow and grow, and pretty soon,
you'll be twelve, or sweet sixteen.
But when you're one day old like this, it's difficult to envision
what you'll look like, or your personality.

If you're anything like your mom or grandma,
You'll be slender, athletic, and tall.
And if you're anything like your dad or grandpa,
chances are, you'll be short, goofy, and bald.

In high school, I'll encourage you to play basketball,
volleyball, or some other cool sport.
I'll show you a few moves, try to make it to your games -
I can't wait to watch you dominate the court!

My, oh my, how time will fly!
Before you know it, you’ll graduate and be eighteen.
You’ll be a young woman, headed off to college.
I wonder what you’ll grow up to be?

You see, an uncle's love is not predicated upon,
your achievements, accomplishments, or awards.
There's no prerequisite. It's not circumstantial.
Nor is it to be earned or striven for.

An uncle's love is more like a gift.
There are no strings attached - it's free.
My job is one that mostly consists
of just being there, and loving you unconditionally.

The Latest Gossip at Ralph's (November)

Well, it's November here in Rocky Top. The vast heavenly expanses above have become gray and dreary, while the once colorful foliage below have all but fallen away, leaving the tree limbs bare and naked. The only thing more depressing to look at, perhaps, are my empty cupboards at home. So bereft and devoid of consumable goods they are, in fact, had a thief broken in with the intention of raiding these cupboards, they would be sorely disappointed with the lack of spoils and booty. So disappointed, perhaps, that they might even leave a few dollars on the kitchen counter out of pity, along with an apology note for the busted window. My food supply had dwindled recently and was in dire need of replenishing. And hey! I needed to catch up on the latest gossip anyways. So, on the cloudy Saturday morning of November 20th, I headed to Ralph's, the local five-and-dime down there on the corner.

Rocky Top Discovers the Power of Social Networking

Despite the recent dreary weather, not all was bad. Why, you ask? Well, first of all, Ralph's had advertised 50% off all RC Cola products. Second of all, Ralph himself promised to take group pictures of everybody at 8 am sharp that morning, which brought the whole town out in droves, creating a borderline fire hazard. I had to park further than I've parked before - over by Lee's Laundromat, two blocks away. I parked, crossed the street and ambled up the sidewalk, waving hello to Bruce and his wife Olive who were loading cases upon cases of RC Cola into their truck. A friendly old couple, Bruce and Olive are.

As much of a surprise as this may seem, the big RC Cola sale and the group pictures only served as a side topic of conversation compared to the much hotter, sizzling topic of gossip - the newly discovered world of Facebook. For the reader's background knowledge and understanding, the citizens of Rocky Top have historically lagged behind when it comes to the latest technology. Research has shown that over the years, new technology has filtered its way into Rocky Top via word-of-mouth, i.e., someone goes to the big city and returns with a report of everything they saw, similar to what Joshua and Caleb did in the land of Canaan. Well, not quite. But anyways, up until last year, for example, the preferred method of contacting someone was the beeper, but when Charlotte Davis returned from a vacation in Charlotte, North Carolina, she came back speaking of things that far exceeded the versatility of the beeper - mysterious and fabled things like... cellular technology! the information superhighway! e-mail! The initial reaction to these reports are usually disbelief, which slowly subsides as word-of-mouth spreads, as it often does in small towns. Pretty soon, the words "cyberspace" and "internet" and "AOL" became household names.

Well, just last week, somebody else returned with another report of modern marvels. Eugene Patterson flew out to see some relatives in Eugene, Oregon, which is where he heard about social networking. Some were curious, while others rejected the idea. "Bah! It's useless!" Grumpy Frank would say. After this initial bout of disbelief subsided, word began to spread about social networking websites like Facebook. "Oh, how great it is!" they would all exclaim. Suddenly, everybody in town was spurring everybody else to join Facebook and add them as a friend. People like Thelma already had 19 friends! Norma had 25! And, Myrtle, my neighbor, had more friends anybody had ever seen - 46!

Some, like Arthur and Myrtle, viewed Facebook as a suitable avenue to proclaim great achievements:



Or, perhaps, vent their frustrations:


Some status updates were powerful messages of inspiration, like Pastor Clarence's:


Others used Facebook to announce important events around town, like Clara Hogan:


Still others, like Jim Russell, saw it necessary to post every minute detail of their daily life:




And, still others, viewed it as a great way to stay updated on the latest gossip:


Oh, how the whole town loved it! It was like a whole new world! Collectively, status updates were nearly constant, almost like an intravenous injection of hot saucy gossip. Old lost friends and relatives were found! Relationships with old girlfriends and boyfriends were rekindled! Funny YouTube videos were shared!, such as the one where that squirrel is chasing the dog. Or, maybe the one where that cute baby duck is snoring. Or, maybe that one that Myrtle posted, where Professor Snugglepuss plays with the ball of yarn for 5 minutes. Oh, how the whole town adored that video! Others posted pictures, some of which were quite controversial, like the one a certain local man by the name of Josiah Glaufenhein posted.

Josiah's Controversial Photo

I walked into Ralph's and, oh, how it was bustling! So much excitement in the air! I grabbed a shopping cart, said hello to Barb at the checkout lane, and strolled over to the produce area. Everyone I passed by seemed to be laughing at the video with Professor Snugglepuss and the ball of yarn, or laughing about so-and-so's latest status update. I strolled over to the banana display and, as I searched for the perfect bunch, I could overhear a nearby conversation taking place between Grumpy Frank Van Popple and One-eyed Sam. Eavesdropping is not something I typically do, but in this case, my curiosity overcame me. Grumpy Frank, as you may be aware, is a staunch pessimist, who had been in a particularly foul mood since he started working the night shift a couple weeks ago at the local sawdust mill. One-eyed Sam, on the other hand, was the antithesis of Grumpy Frank. He's a nice fellow with an optimistic attitude. And, aside from his eye patch and irregular hair patterns that made you think he hit puberty near a nuclear power plant, he was a pretty handsome fellow as well. They were talking about "the photo".

"Well? What do you think, Mr. Van Popple?", asked One-eyed Sam. "Do you think Josiah really nailed that buck? You know.. in that photo he posted on Facebook? The whole town can't stop talking about it!"

Grumpy Frank scoffed at the idea. "Bah! No way in Hades!"

I recalled seeing a photo earlier in the week, which was probably what they were referring to:


Grumpy Frank insisted that the deer was already dead, or napping, and Josiah just found him lying there. He thought it might impress the local Rocky Top gals, so he posed all pretty beside it, snapped a photo and posted it to Facebook for the whole town to see. I listened a little closer.

"Josiah can't shoot worth a lick!", Grumpy Frank growled angrily. "Rumor around here is that he doesn't even know how to load a rifle, or shoot a gun! I wouldn't be surprised if he fills those ammunition cartridges with gummy bears and fruit snacks!"

The more cool-headed One-eyed Sam thought for a second, and retorted in Josiah's defense."We all have our flaws, Grumpy Frank. For some, it's pride. For others, gluttony. For Josiah, maybe it's... poor marksmanship? We learn to live with our flaws, like you learned to live in that green mobile home on the outskirts of town..."

The loudspeaker above announced 25% off all tube socks, resulting in uproarious shouts of excitement around the store, which drowned out One-eyed Sam. Grumpy Frank's side of the argument wasn't unfounded - there was indeed a rumor floating around that Josiah's marksmanship was sub-part, but whether or not he posed beside the deer to impress the ladies was mere speculation. From what I heard though, I agreed with One-eyed Sam. Accepting our flaws and imperfections is an important step towards maturity in life. I wanted to listen in more of this riveting conversation, but I was probably looking suspicious seeing how I had inspected every banana bunch at least 4 or 5 times.

A Narrow Escape from a Potentially Boring Conversation

I grabbed some apples and bananas and made my way over to the grains aisle, where I bumped into the Chicowski family. There was Dean, his wife and three children, who were all debating how Myrtle had so many friends on Facebook. "46 friends! That's preposterous!", his wife said. Personally, I was of the opinion that Myrtle created an account for each of her cats. In fact, I knew it to be true, but I didn't say anything.

The Chicowski family were all wearing matching orange & white sweaters, in support of the Volunteers in the game against Vanderbilt later that day, which reminded me of the recent sporting events I had attended. So, I told them about it:



Well, Dean and I chatted for awhile about the prospects of the Volunteers this season. Being a chicken breeder, he was realist, and was of the opinion that, all things considered, we had a tough season ahead of us. I agreed reluctantly, but still expressed how my optimism remained stalwart.

Over the last week, Dean Chicowski had posted several individual pictures of his prize-winning chickens on Facebook, and was probably hoping I would say something. I recall seeing one of "King Charlemagne", who had recently won top prize in the Tennessee Valley Fair:


Understand, dear reader, that having a conversation with Dean is risky business. Any lull in the conversation can potentially lead to a disastrous wrong turn - Dean's chickens. I say "disastrous" not because conversations about chickens are inherently hazardous. Most aren't. I say this because Dean is known to be incredibly passionate and longwinded when it came to "that" topic. Don't get me wrong. Dean is a great guy, and I enjoy the informative conversations like anyone else - cage cleaning tips, the pros and cons of various breeding methods, the farmer's market outlook for poultry prices, etc. But, after multiple hour-long lectures about the subject, one tends grow weary, and naturally develops certain avoidance mechanisms or evasive maneuvers, such as avoiding eye contact. It was too late for those, obviously, since he had already engaged me in conversation. Thankfully, just when it looked like I was about to bogged down in another long drawn-out monologue about the merits of free-range chickens, old man Herschel whipped around the corner in his electric powered cart whistling a tune popular during the World War II era:

"A wise old owl sat perched in an oak
The more he saw the less he spoke
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?"

This momentary distraction provided me just the opportunity I needed to narrowly escape unnoticed. It wasn't wasted.

Love is Rekindled on Aisle 6

I zipped past the frozen foods aisle, where I overheard multiple references to that video that Horace had posted. It was a video of a beagle howling to an Elton John tune. "Oh, what a hoot that video that was!", they all said, followed by hearty guffaws and bouts of laughter. I continued on to the soft drink aisle to cash in on the big RC Cola sale, where I ran into Daisy and Marshall, who were strolling down the aisle together, chatting about the noteworthy status updates and YouTube videos they had seen throughout the week:

"Ho, ho! Did you see what Arlene wrote on MyFace yesterday?" Daisy said. She often confused Facebook and MySpace, and simply combined the two into "MyFace".

"Yep. I saw it. I made a funny comment, too! He, he.." Marshall answered. Marshall is one of those guys who feels it necessary to make a funny comment about anything and everything.

"And, I read where Arthur Moore finally got promoted at Larry's Plaid Pants Warehouse. And, Myrtle cleaned out those gutters. And, hey, did you hear about the Bingo game tonight..." Daisy stopped in mid-sentence at seeing me waltz down the aisle. They both said in almost perfect unison, "Well, well! If it ain't the birthday boy!"

"We saw those pictures you posted on MyFace, sweetie." Daisy said. "What a hoot!"

And, it was a hoot! I explained to Daisy and Marshall how a whole crew of friends and I indulged ourselves in a hearty Korean meal. Kal-Bi ribs! Bul-go-gi! Kim-chee! Mandoo! Woof woof!


"And, hey! They gave me free green tea flavored ice cream for my birthday!" I added.


I then told her about how we all convoyed down to Big Mama's Karaoke Cafe, and wreaked havoc on the establishment for hours!

"Big Mama's....", she said with a nostalgic sigh, squeezing Marshall's hand gently. "That's where Marshall and I first met. July 10th, 1954. He told me I had a nice pair of birthing hips. Isn't that right, Marshall?" Her eyes gazed upon Marshall with a rekindled affection - a kind of affection that only longstanding cherished memories of one another can create. I let them have their moment, while I pretended to check out the assorted selection of soft drinks. This lasted an uncomfortably long time, until Daisy suddenly said:

"Hold on! Wasn't that the Glaufenhien kids in that one photo?
Ezra 'The Junkyard Dog' Glaufenhein?
Caleb 'The Bone Collector' Glaufenhein?
Josiah 'Welcome to Pound Town' Glaufenhein?
Bethany 'Climbin-in-your-window-and-snatchin-all-your-people-up' Glaufenhien?
And, wasn't that 'DJ Julie J' aka Jivin' Julie Jenkins?
And, didn't I see 'Big Mama Shirlz' aka Swingin' Shirley Hibbard in there somewhere?"

To all of these, I responded in the affirmative.

A Special Surprise from Ralph

Well, we talked for awhile about everything under the sun, Daisy, Marshall and I. They both asked me if I had seen that hilarious video that Myrtle had posted.

"You know, the one where ol' Professor Snugglepuss batted and pawed at that ball of yarn for 5 minutes? So funny!"

But, right before I could respond, the loudspeaker overhead called everyone's attention for an important announcement. Ralph, the jolly old man, beckoned everyone in the store to the front. I had almost forgotten - it was 8 am sharp! It was time for the big group photo!

I snagged two cases of RC Cola - one for me, and one for Myrtle - and zipped towards the front in a hurry. Past the frozen food aisle. Past the grains aisle where Dean Chicowski and old man Herschel were still locked in a riveting poultry-related disquisition. Past the produce area, where Grumpy Frank and One-eyed Sam were still shootin' the breeze. Past the Moon Pie display and to the front, where everyone was huddling up for the big picture. The rumor on the street that morning was that Ralph might even tag everybody in the photo on Facebook, which, as you can imagine, stirred up quite a bit of excitement.

"Smile on three!" Ralph said, as everyone made last second adjustments to their hair. "1, 2, 3!"


Well, the group photo was a great success, everyone agreed. Everybody was so excited to go home, pop open a can of RC Cola, log into Facebook, check out the photos and maybe even make some hilarious comments!

And, that's the latest gossip from Ralph's! Happy Thanksgiving!

Bulletin Board Updates

Stay updated with the latest news around town! The following advertisements and notifications have been contributed by readers:

• Itching to add that "utilitarian flair" to your wardrobe? Well, find your favorite fanny pack, stuff it full with your favorite things, and join the "Fanny Pack Fan Club" as they host their annual fun-filled "5k Fanny Pack Attack" on November 10th, 2010. Don't miss out! For more information, call Pearl. (Author's note: This is so much fun! At the end of the 5k, they even have a fanny pack beauty pageant. And last year, Pearl made the front page of the local newspaper with her special extra-cute zebra stripe edition fanny pack.)
  
  
• Crocheting enthusiasts, mark your calendars for November 18th! The Rocky Top Crochet Guild is gearing up for the big Autumn Crocheting Exhibition. Aside from being a great networking opportunity with other local crocheters, "Fancy" Nancy Lark will be offering crochet lessons all the livelong day, ranging from basic crocheting techniques such as chain-stitching to more advanced techniques such as the Tunisian triple stitch. Come join us! (Author's note: Rumors have been circulating around town that Fancy Nancy may even reveal her fabled secret technique, the "Appalachian Double-Cross Herringbone Stitch"! Can't wait!)
  
  
• This Thursday, November 11th, marks the 40th anniversary of Dr. Glover's Proctology Clinic. In celebration of this momentous occasion, the clinic will offering free rectal exams from 1 pm to 5 pm. Don't forget! November 11th. Stop by Dr. Glover's Clinic and get your free exams! (Author's note: I can't pass this up. Anybody care to join me?)
  
  
• Perhaps, this announcement should have been posted at the top, given its apparent urgency. This comes from Detective Dan at the Knox County Sheriff's Department: The county wide investigation to unravel the mystery behind a chain of disturbing events continues. According to official police reports, last weekend several pumpkins were allegedly found smashed on the porches and sidewalks of citizens residing in the vicinity of northeast Knox county. Eye witnesses are reporting the suspect to have disheveled brown hair combed to the left side, a thin wiry mustache, brown eyes, and general lack of respect. One eye witness further described the suspect as "probably some young hooligan that don't have a lick of sense". Based on these descriptions, I've created this composite sketch of what the suspect might look like:
  

(Author's opinion: It's a bit subjective, I know, but I feel like this sketch portrays the general lack of respect quite well. Unfortunately, my artistic skills plateaued at the age of 7, BUT! After I created this composite sketch, it dawned upon me that our suspect here bears a striking resemblance to "Shaky" Jake Higgins, the young hooligan who lives down the road in the mobile home. Keep an eye out for him.)

• Ralph's General Store will be closed this Wednesday, November 10th, due to an asbestos scare. Old ceiling tiles were dislodged after Larry Ingles, the associate manager at Ralph's, was trying to retrieve some canned goods from storage. Barb didn't realize Larry was up there, saw particles falling from the ceiling, and started coughing, which made her suspicious. Test results should be in by Thursday or Friday. (Author's note: Bad news for Ralph's. I'd check out Al's across town. They have some good deals there sometimes.)
  
  
• Tuesday, November 8th, will mark the release of "Uncle Ray and the Whiskey Drinkers" much anticipated hit single "She's Gonna Bite You".
  

• Finally, I am pleased to announce my latest publication - coinciding with Uncle Ray's big release - a motivational tape-series entitled "How I Made it Big in Rocky Top, and You Can Too!". My first book, "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Snake Wrangling", was released in August. Despite overwhelming enthusiasm that surrounded its release, however, only 6 copies have been sold thus far. I guess they can't all be winners, eh? But, hey! I will be signing autographed copies at the Chestnut Hill Bookstore tomorrow from 12-4 pm. Stop by and see me!

If you would like to post to the Rocky Top Bulletin Board, send your request to erikjohnson06@gmail.com.