- Itching to add that "utilitarian flair" to your wardrobe? Well, find your favorite fanny pack, stuff it full with your favorite things, and join the "Fanny Pack Fan Club" as they host their annual fun-filled "5k Fanny Pack Attack" on November 10th, 2010. Don't miss out! For more information, call Pearl. (Author's note: This is so much fun! At the end of the 5k, they even have a fanny pack beauty pageant. And last year, Pearl made the front page of the local newspaper with her special extra-cute zebra stripe edition fanny pack.)
- Crocheting enthusiasts, mark your calendars for November 18th! The Rocky Top Crochet Guild is gearing up for the big Autumn Crocheting Exhibition. Aside from being a great networking opportunity with other local crocheters, "Fancy" Nancy Lark will be offering crochet lessons all the livelong day, ranging from basic crocheting techniques such as chain-stitching to more advanced techniques such as the Tunisian triple stitch. Come join us! (Author's note: Rumors have been circulating around town that Fancy Nancy may even reveal her fabled secret technique, the "Appalachian Double-Cross Herringbone Stitch"! Can't wait!)
- This Thursday, November 11th, marks the 40th anniversary of Dr. Glover's Proctology Clinic. In celebration of this momentous occasion, the clinic will offering free rectal exams from 1 pm to 5 pm. Don't forget! November 11th. Stop by Dr. Glover's Clinic and get your free exams! (Author's note: I can't pass this up. Anybody care to join me?)
- Perhaps, this announcement should have been posted at the top, given its apparent urgency. This comes from Detective Dan at the Knox County Sheriff's Department: The county wide investigation to unravel the mystery behind a chain of disturbing events continues. According to official police reports, last weekend several pumpkins were allegedly found smashed on the porches and sidewalks of citizens residing in the vicinity of northeast Knox county. Eye witnesses are reporting the suspect to have disheveled brown hair combed to the left side, a thin wiry mustache, brown eyes, and general lack of respect. One eye witness further described the suspect as "probably some young hooligan that don't have a lick of sense". Based on these descriptions, I've created this composite sketch of what the suspect might look like:
(Author's opinion: It's a bit subjective, I know, but I feel like this sketch portrays the general lack of respect quite well. Unfortunately, my artistic skills plateaued at the age of 7, BUT! After I created this composite sketch, it dawned upon me that our suspect here bears a striking resemblance to "Shaky" Jake Higgins, the young hooligan who lives down the road in the mobile home. Keep an eye out for him.)
- Ralph's General Store will be closed this Wednesday, November 10th, due to an asbestos scare. Old ceiling tiles were dislodged after Larry Ingles, the associate manager at Ralph's, was trying to retrieve some canned goods from storage. Barb didn't realize Larry was up there, saw particles falling from the ceiling, and started coughing, which made her suspicious. Test results should be in by Thursday or Friday. (Author's note: Bad news for Ralph's. I'd check out Al's across town. They have some good deals there sometimes.)
- Tuesday, November 8th, will mark the release of "Uncle Ray and the Whiskey Drinkers" much anticipated hit single "She's Gonna Bite You".
- Finally, I am pleased to announce my latest publication - coinciding with Uncle Ray's big release - a motivational tape-series entitled "How I Made it Big in Rocky Top, and You Can Too!". My first book, "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Snake Wrangling", was released in August. Despite overwhelming enthusiasm that surrounded its release, however, only 6 copies have been sold thus far. I guess they can't all be winners, eh? But, hey! I will be signing autographed copies at the Chestnut Hill Bookstore tomorrow from 12-4 pm. Stop by and see me!
If you would like to post to the Rocky Top Bulletin Board, send your request to erikjohnson06@gmail.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment