The Korea Chronicles, Volume I

Two months.

This is the amount of time remaining until I depart Korea, aka "Land of Fish and Other Smelly Things". Where to, you ask? Back from whence I came. Back to Tennessee, aka "Land of Milk, Honey, and Moonshine". And, how long have you been away from this paradisaical land, Mr. Johnson?

Nine years.

It's been a long and winding road. Nine years ago, I was the undisputed worst waiter in the history Cracker Barrel, was just kicked out of Middle Tennessee State University's symphonic orchestra for not knowing how to read music, and couldn't even grow a respectable mustache.

I decided to try my luck in the army. After 5 long years there, it was unanimous - my military career was the biggest waste of U.S. tax dollars in the history of our defense budget. Why? 1) I could barely shoot an inanimate target with a semi-automatic M-16 rifle (God help me if the target suddenly jumped to life and charged), 2) I abhorred typical army activities - camping, hiking, getting dirty, yucky bugs, etc. - and to top it off, 3) I was a Korean linguist with a speech impediment. Go figure. Perhaps, worse soldiers have served throughout the 235 years of our armed forces' history, but I was by far the most useless. What's funny is that my uselessness seemed to increase with every duty station I was sent to - Missouri, California, Texas, and finally the culmination of human incompetence - Hawaii.

Having discharged and finally graduated college, something, perhaps the same nefarious spirit that tried to tempt Jesus to jump from the mountain ledge, possessed me to think that Houston would be a great place to start a career in financial planning. Maybe be a great place to get mugged, stabbed, or robbed, but certainly not financial planning.

In an unexpected twist, however, I was suddenly uprooted from Houston and transplanted to where I've been for nearly four years - South Korea. Doing what? "Government Contracting". What does that term actually mean? I'd prefer to leave it shrouded in mystery so as to stimulate your imagination.

Given my track record thus far, one may be inclined to infer, with a rather high statistical probability, the outcome here as well. And, that inference may or may not be true. Let's just say that I stand here looking boldly into the distance atop my lofty mountain of failures (still without a respectable mustache), hoping that the laws of statistical probabilities will be merciful and let me slip through its far reaching clutches.

"So, Mr. Johnson, what do you look forward to the most when you think about returning from whence you came?", you may be wondering.
"What scares the wits out of you when you think about returning from whence you came?"
"Won't you miss South Korea?"
"Is there anything you won't miss about South Korea?"
"What are you wearing right now?", still you ponder.

All of these questions and undoubtedly many more, will be answered in subsequent posts. As I feel what may be the initial stages of a cold diffusing throughout my fatigued body, however, I must go... for the time being.

(To be continued...)