And Moses said to Pharaoh, "Let my people blog!"

Yowsers!

Do you hear that? That trembling sound. No? Is it a tremor? An avalanche? A tsunami churning towards you? No, you bozos! It's me. And, I'm shaking up the "blogosphere", as the blog nerds say.

What? A blog?

Yes. A blog. I'm crackin' the whip. I'm overturning tables. I'm throwing various objects such as lamps, wooden spoons, and moldy loaves of bread at crotchety old men. That's right - I'm making a splash in the "virtual community", as the computer nerds say.

It's amazing, I know. In fact, many of you are probably sitting there, with your family gathered around the computer screen, skeptically asking yourselves, "But, he barely even knows how to read. How will he ever write a blog?"

It's true. As a product of the Tennessee school system, it may be argued that I don't really "read or write that good". Well, fear not. To remedy this apparent educational deficiency, I will be dictating my blog posts into a voice recording device and employing certain scribes - scribes like prolific authors and modern literary geniuses Reuben Haggar and Pete Freeburg, to record them here.

Many of you ingrates are still sitting there picking your noses, rolling it up betwixt your thumb and forefinger, hoping no will notice as you flick it into oblivion , and asking yourselves, "Erik. Look. I've read blogs before. They're boring. Will your blog also be lame? And, how does your blog benefit society in general?"

To these people, I would say the following. All blogs, from time to time, can be lame and this one will invariably have its dry spots. But, don't fret, dear readers! These posts will be like cold water to parched lips and hot bread to a starving stomach. These posts will invigorate the languished, calm the restless, emancipate the enslaved, and enrich the desolate. They will gently massage the cerebral cortex of society, as well as defend justice. They will be your avenue into my stream of conscience and your key to the door of happiness.

Ok, Erik. I'm totally sold. I can't wait to read your blog. What's the next step?

Easy. First, set this blog as your home page. This is the only way to ensure that you are fed with the finest milk and honey I have to offer (and, more importantly, it will make my pageview counter go up). Secondly, follow me. All great leaders throughout history have at least one common denominator - faithful followers. Without you, blogging is pointless. A practice in futility. The epitome of vanity. I need you, faithful legions! Third, forget the news. Forget the economy. Forget the weather. Instead, imagine talking about my most recent post over dinner with your family. Let it be the center of conversation. Instead of, "What do you think Obama's gonna do about the unemployment rate, dad?", ask, "Dad, did you see Erik's latest posting? It.... changed my life! I even think I lost 5 pounds just reading it!" Your arsenal of conversational topics should never again dry up.

Pharaoh, let my people blog!