Which of the following is true about the author?
A. Torrential rains have poured down in his hometown, Nashville TN, causing one of the worst floods in its history. Not even the Opryland Hotel has been spared.
B. According to this pathetic pocket calender he's kept in his wallet since January, he has exactly 29 days remaining until his glorious return to America.
C. Every contrivance known to man - telephone, telegraphs, HAM radio, carrier pigeons - have been employed in an effort to make contact with Mr. Robert Johnson, his venerable father. These efforts have all been fruitless, frustrating him, and prompting him to leave a disgruntled voice message on Mr. Johnson's answering machine this past weekend.
D. He gave a speech this week, which was meant to be humorous, and not a soul laughed.
E. On two separate accounts this week, good fortune has allowed him to narrowly sidestep a bombardment of bird excrement. Without a doubt, these birds were lawless agents sent from his archenemy, Jonathan the Seagull (see previous post).
F. A phantom midnight violin player lurks somewhere in his building, depriving him of sleep throughout the night which, in turn, has contributed to his being like this trashcan dwelling grouch throughout the day.
How did you do? Let's grade 'em!
For the perspicacious and judicious reader who answered "yes" to all of the above, I say the following: "Congratulations! Let's socialize more often!"
For those who said "no" to one or two of the above, I say the following: "That's ok! We're still friends, but from now on, let's limit our socializing to once per month!"
For the foolish reader who said "no" to three or more of the above, I say the following (in emphatic tones): "You disgust me, you filthy vermin. All social interaction between us shall, from henceforth, cease. Your text messages shall go unanswered. Your emails shall suffer a similar fate, being marked as spam and deleted without even being read. Begone!"
But, hey, cheer up. Let's turn the tables. Hey! Why don't you ask me a question?
This week's question comes from Samuel H. Ahn, of Mililani, Hawaii. He writes:
"Greetings, Monsieur Johnson. I genuflect in your excellency's presence.
Allow me to express my sincere gratitude for the privilege of humbly appearing
on your excellency's most esteemed blog. My question, Monsieur: What will you
miss most about Korea? Your gracious servant, Samuel Ahn."
Excellent question, dear Sam. And, thanks for your most magnanimous genuflection (+10 vocabulary points!). Gentle readers, behold! For I now present to you:
10. Public Transportation
If there were a single word to describe Seoul's public transportation system, it would be: precocious (+10 more vocabulary points!). For the more simple minded among you: it rocks. Its safe, convenient, and will take you anywhere you desire to go. You want to go to Jamshil to watch a baseball game? Hop on Subway line 2! You want to take your lover on a romantic walk down Chong-gae-chon? Hop on Subway line 5! It's that easy. In fact, it's so good that owning a vehicle is superfluous (+10 more points! Yeah!).
If one wants to read during their voyage, one can read.
If one wants to sleep during their voyage, one can sleep.
All in all, Seoul's public transportation is great. But, not everything is fun and games. For example, read this epic post entitled, "The 02 Bus", co-authored by legendary blogger Reuben Haggar, yours truly, and others.
9. Karaoke
Korea has an unbridled obsession with karaoke, for obvious reasons. Karaoke in America typically takes place in a one large room, where only the bravest of the brave (or most inebriated) venture to sing, whereas in Korea, it takes place in smaller individual rooms where groups of friends can unabashedly sing to their heart's content. Far less daunting. And, far more fun.
8. Being Huge
At times, I feel like Gulliver when he encountered the "Lilliputians", a race of people 1/12 his size. Others can probably relate. Doors are small, resulting in the occasional banging of the head. Ceilings are low, resulting in more banging of the head, as seen below:
Cups are 1/10 the normal size, resulting in an inordinate amount of refills. Pepsi cans are 1/3 the size, resulting in hoardes of angry obese people. And, the average Korean male is 5'8", while the average American male is 5'10", which is advantageous in many areas of life. Below is a picture which poorly illustrates this point. (Disclaimer: taking multiple pictures of yourself on a subway can be incredibly awkward, which sometimes results in a crappy photo.)
7. Making Me Feel Rich
The Korean Won. Its brilliant color schemes range from blue to orange to green, reminiscent of Monopoly money. Its lowest paper denomination starts at 1,000, which is roughly the equivalent of 1 US dollar. Needless to say, this would give any unsuspecting eye the false illusion of being a "big balla", as some would say.
6. Banana Milk
What does one do with all that mad cash, besides flaunting it? One option is to blow it all playing World of Warcraft, like some do (not me). Another option is to buy some banana milk (like me).
How does one consume this mysterious banana milk? Here's a demonstration!
Go ahead, try it!
5. Authentic Kalbi
Kalbi (ribs) is (are) a personal favorite of mine. Anywhere else, they don't taste quite the same. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to eat this savory dish.
Step 1. Marvel at its beauty.
Step 2. Devour voraciously.
4. Seoul International Basketball League
One might be inclined to presume that an inordinate amount of money was used to bribe the league founder, Luke Elie, to let me play in this league for the past three seasons. This may or may not be true. Either way, it was super fun.
3. Kim-chi Squat
Once mastered, this seemingly primitive and awkward resting position can be done anywhere - in an alley, on a busy sidewalk, in a convenience store, on the bus, anywhere. And, although I'm not proud to say this, I've mastered it. Go ahead, judge for yourself.
Here's a photo I snapped of an unsuspecting lady in the subway. Look at this posture - so perfect. So natural.
Now, compare her posture to mine below:
Impressed? I knew you would be.
2. Dried Squid
Long ago, when baseball and movie theaters were first carving their way into Korea, something bad happened. Somewhere, there was a bad translation - "popcorn" got mixed up with "dried squid". A misfortunate, though understandable, error. Not that I despise this seafood treat. I actually like it, despite its hideous smell.
"Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd. Buy me some dried squid and cracker jacks, I don't care if I ever get back!"
1. Strange Translations
Let's face it. Korea's technology has far surpassed America's in some areas. Unfortunately, "spell check" has yet to be discovered. And, quite honestly, I hope they never discover it. If nothing else, it makes for funny signs and restaurant menus. Below are some common examples of what you might find walking around Seoul. (Disclaimer: these pictures were totally stolen from http://www.engrish.com/)
Good friends, there are many many more things I would like to share, but as the reader values brevity, I will not bore him/her with the particulars. I do, however, ask you to send me your questions, so that they may be answered right here on this blog. That's right, this is your opportunity, your chance in the spotlight. Who will be next?
For now, compatriots, the author is tired and his bladder has reached full capacity. Until next time, good readers. Adieu!
I dont ever remember asking you a question like THAT! And since when were the roles reversed? I remain your MASTER!
ReplyDelete