Greetings loyal and most magnanimous readers!
Imagine the following scenes:
Friday, May 21st 7:09 pm. Yongsan, Korea. A middle aged Korean man sits in his office cubicle sipping his morning coffee. He glances out of his office's window and watches the busy pedestrians below crossing the street, cars waiting impatiently for the traffic light to change from red to green, and trees swaying to and fro in the wind. He curiously peers into the adjacent apartment building:
Much to his surprise (and entertainment), he sees an obscured silhouette standing in one of the units on the fifth floor. It resembles a human form, only more lanky and awkwardly built than most. In front of a stove it stands, and, judging by the spatula in its right hand and a frying pan in its left, would appear to be cooking a meal. Dinner, perhaps. Fried eggs, perhaps. The Korean man's curiosity is piqued - his nose is now pressing against the glass, and he watches further. The creature suddenly tosses the spatula behind its back, from its right hand to its left hand, and proceeds to sing into the spatula as if it were a microphone. Strange behaviour. The creature then, holding all of its weight on one leg, rotates the other leg using the ball of his foot as a pivot. Still rotating, he drops down low. Ridiculously low. Lower than humanly possible. He then switches to the other side. Upon rising up, it turns off the stove and consumes the contents of the frying pan like a ravenous beast. The Korean man watched all this in utter amazement, thinking, "I know that dance. That was... the Stanky Leg dance! And, that creature got lower than I've EVER seen!" Gulp. He closes the blinds in disbelief and returns to work.Monday, May 24th, 12:32 pm. Mokpo, Korea. A young Korean couple sit in a coffee shop, sharing a cappuccino. They hold hands, take an occasional sip of their cappuccino, and talk to each other about anything and everything. Their conversation is giddy with laughter. Their eyes sparkle, for they're in love.
Suddenly, from a distant corner, the bathroom door bursts open, and a rather eccentric looking caucasian man walks out with an unpleasant scowl. He is waving his hand over his nose, almost as if to warn others not to enter for at least 10 minutes. Toilet paper is stuck to his shoe. He wipes his hands on his pants and notices he forgot to zip up his fly. He quickly amends the fly situation, eyes a jug of ice water on a nearby counter, and refills an empty bottle with said ice water. Does he refuse to pay 5 dollars for a cup of coffee? Perhaps. How many times has he refilled this water bottle? No one knows. He then walks in the direction of the Korean couple, toilet paper still trailing from his shoe, and sits down in an empty seat next to them. He removes a book from his bag. Within 5 minutes, his head is bobbing up and down, and within ten minutes, he is sound asleep with his head leaned back and mouth wide open. The giddy Korean couple look him over, and through a repressed chuckle, they whisper to each other, "What a strange man.."Thursday, May 27th, 2:15 pm. Myoung-Dong, Korea. A beautiful young lady working at the executive lounge of the Seoul Royal Hotel hears the elevators door open. Ding. An unshaven, haggardly man staggers out dragging along multiple pieces of cumbersome luggage. His attire, a wrinkled t-shirt, basketball shorts, and flip-flops, resembles that of a homeless man. He disentangles himself from his burdensome luggage, pulls out a folded piece of paper from his pocket, and hands it to the lady. She unfolds the paper, reads it, and welcomes the weary traveler into the lounge. Returning to her work, she curiously keeps the man within the range of her peripheral vision. After a momentary hesitation, he makes a decisive stride to the lounge's complimentary snack section. One confectionery treat after another, he devours everything in sight as if he had not eaten anything in days. Pausing with a mouthful of food, his wild eyes bounce back and forth across the room, as if to ensure no one is watching. He imperceptibly shifts his weight onto one leg, lifts the other and releases such a tremendous expulsion of air that he appears to have startled even himself. The young lady gasps at the length and magnitude of this ill-mannered expulsion. Good heavens. Was that what I think it was? He, however, seems quite pleased and returns to shoveling his mouth full. He furtively places a few of these snacks into his pockets and quickly exits the executive lounge. The young lady is in disbelief at this encounter, so uncharacteristic of the typical guest, and yet finds herself strangely attracted to him, perhaps as the beauty was strangely attracted to the beast.
Who is this mysterious man? Is he homeless? Is he gainfully employed? What happened? Let's rewind the tape to where it all started. Picture this:
Friday, May 21st, 9:00 am. Thin cirrus clouds stretch across the beautiful azure firmament. Underneath this heavenly ceiling stand thousands of spectators. They are gathered around a lavish red carpet, which has been rolled out and lined with two columns of US marines. These marines are dressed in their finest military attire and stand like statues aside the red walkway. Their sabers are raised in the air, reflecting the sun's beams, creating a tunnel-like passageway. A trumpet sounds, and a young man steps out of an 1980's model stretch limousine. He wears a top hat, puffs on a Cuban cigar, and wears an eyeglass. The crowd, gripped with anticipation, goes silent. He passes slowly through the column of marines, approaches a man waiting for him at the end, and is saluted by this man with mechanical swiftness. The young man salutes in return and is presented with an award. He is given a hearty handshake, and as this happens, a storm of camera flashes light up the evening sky. Roars of applause fill the air. Suddenly, the roars of the crowd are drowned out by the roar of a helicopter hovering overhead, which lands nearby. The young man is promptly escorted into the helicopter, waves good-bye to the crowds of spectators, and flies off in glory. It was his last of work as a government contractor.
Leapin' lizards! You really quit your job?
Indeed. And, I did the Stanky Leg dance while frying eggs. And, I moved out of my house and into a hotel, ransacking the snack section of the executive lounge.
Bustlin' beavers! So, does this mean.... (gulp) you're...
Homeless and unemployed? Yes, it does.
Whistlin' wallabies! That's great! How did you celebrate this momentous occasion?
A wonderful question. I decided to to celebrate my recent liberation by embarking on a 5-day journey across the Korean peninsula, scouring the land, roaming to and fro. The beauty of this journey was that it was completely void of an itinerary. I knew nothing of where I was going, how to get there, what to do there, or where to sleep. Nonetheless, I ventured off, undaunted.
Sizzlin' snake sausages! Tell me more!
Certainly. In fact, throughout the journey, I recorded my thoughts in a journal. Unfortunately for the reader, however, a furious storm arose and, as fate would have it, the rain soaked the pages through and through. Fortunately, I was able to salvage scraps here and there and reconstruct an abbreviated version:
May 22nd: Boarded passenger train at 8:10 am. Stifling odor permeated train. Strongly reminiscent of sour milk and cat urine. Strange. The odor reminded me of Grandma's house, which made me happy. Through the window, I could see an engineer shouting. His lips appeared to say, "All aboard the Stanky Train". I had enough packs of raisins to feed a family of ten.
Arrived in Gyeong-Ju six hours later. All out of raisins. Rain. Unforeseen disruption in plans. Not sure what to do. Need to eat. Found restaurant that looks safe. Ate meal. Unpleasant concoction of fish and noodles. Bowels now roaring due to inordinate amount of fiber consumed on train. Need to find restroom immediately. Still raining. So far, trip not going well.
Nightfall. Tired. Need place to lay weary head. Found a Jim-jil-bong* for 6 bucks.
(*Jim-jil-bongs are Korean Saunas. They are open 24 hours a day, which allows one to sleep there overnight if one so desires. The quality of sleep one can expect there is among the lowest in the universe: hard tile floors, old men snoring inordinately loud, televisions blaring, no blankets, one small pillow the size of a book, strange smells, etc.)
I thought this palace was sweet. It was built in AD 774.
May 23rd: Rain has not stopped. Getting annoyed. Made command decision to travel to a different city, Dae-jeon. Boarded yet another "Stanky Train". Unpleasant. Arrived in Dae-jeon. Not much to see. Still raining. Annoyed at weather. Found shelter in a coffee shop until employees gave unwelcoming stares. Slept in Jim-jil-bong.
Can anyone guess what the sign below means? (I'll give you 5 dollars if you can. )
May 24th: Arrived at Mok-po at 2:45 pm with intentions of catching ferry to Cheju Island. Much to my chagrin, the last ferry departed at 2:30. Next ferry leaves at 9:00 am the next morning. Got lost. Hiked up some mountain. Read book. Fell asleep in coffee shop. Slept in Jim-jil-bong.
May 25th: Caught ferry to Cheju Island at 9:00 am. Arrived at 1:45 pm. Due to lack of time, took a taxi straight to Holla-San Volcano. Huge mistake. Foolishly misjudged size of island, resulting in a 19,000 won ($19) taxi fare. Arrived at Holla-San, but was shocked at cold and foggy it was on top. At least 40 degrees. Breathe is visible in air. Foolishly wore shorts, t-shirt, and flip-flops. Freezing. Unwilling to pay an exorbitant taxi fare again, waited 45 minutes for a bus in freezing cold. Not fun.
Holla-San was shrouded in fog, not allowing me to hike up the mountain this time.
Finally caught bus and thawed out. Took bus tour of island. Got lost. Slept in Jim-jil-bong.
May 26th: 8:00 am. Left Cheju Island on massive ferry boat. Ferry is equipped with every accommodation imaginable. Restaurants. Coffee shops. Karaoke. Sauna, and more. Arrived in Mokpo at 12:30 pm.
Caught bullet train (not Stanky Train) back to Seoul. Arrived home at 6:30 pm. All in all, it was a sweet trip.
Howlin' hound dogs! Sounds fun! You got anything else to say?
I do. If there's one thing for certain in this life, besides death and taxes, it's this: Koreans are willing to drink coffee with ANYTHING:
New York Hotdogs and Coffee, anyone?
What about just plain old American style hot dogs?
Anybody need some coffee while you use the telephone? Presumably while also on the can?
Eh. Nevermind, I'll just go raid the hotel lounge again, destroying everything in sight. I bid you farewell, good readers. Good night!
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