The Korea Chronicles, Volume IX (Final)

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Today, gentle readers, is my last day in Korea, the inimitable "Land of Fish". Where to start? Ah. Allow me share with you one of my more awkward experiences I've had recently:

When? Last Friday at around 10:30 pm. Where? I was traveling from Suwon to Yongsan via subway - a trip which takes about 70-80 minutes. I was on the last train, and it was packed. Among the many passengers, two girls on my right caught my attention. One of them appeared to be heavily intoxicated. Without warning, she suddenly vomited all over the floor, herself, and her friend. Yuck. This spectacle began to cause a stir. Now understand, dear readers, I mean to bring no harm or humiliation to anyone, but in my efforts to document life in Korea, I intended to take a quick photograph. Weird, I know. I was tired, and perhaps had a momentary lapse of reason? My hand surreptitiously crept into jeans pocket and pulled out my camera. Acting as if I was going to review some pictures, I inconspicuously pointed the camera towards the drunken public spectacle and snapped the photo. Unbeknowst to me, the flash was still on. This flash undoubtedly caught the attention of ever passenger on the subway. Crap. Embarrassed, but still in need of solid photographic evidence, I couldn't turn back now. I turned the flash off, snapped the photo again, and then furtively slipped the camera back into my pocket.

About 10 seconds later, a Korean man approached me. His fists were clinched and his face was red with anger. He looked as if he was greatly offended, as if the honor of his country was at stake. He said scornfully, in broken English, "Erase the picture." I looked at him. Our eyes locked as dueling rams lock their horns in battle. "Excuse me?", I asked, pretending not to understand him, and hoping that he would abandon his endeavor. His face grew even redder with indignation. and he repeated slowly, "Erase the picture". "Why?", I asked. "Very rude", he said. He was in the right, it WAS very rude. Not wanting to make a scene, I pulled the camera out of pocket, and deleted one of the two photos. I quickly turned it off and put it back into my pocket. I still had one photo that I hoped he didn't know about, the ace in the sleeve. "Now delete the other one", he said. Argh. Defeated, I succumbed and deleted the second one. By this time the two girls had disappeared from where they were. The man, too, walked off, leaving the surrounding passengers to sneer at me with great disdain. Seldom have I felt like such an "ugly foreigner" / loser. All for a stupid photo. Ugh.

Serves you right, you chump. Good!

Perhaps.

Eh, it's ok. You've done worse. Anything else been goin' on?

Heck yes! Let me tell you about my recent:

DMZ TOUR

I recently went on a USO tour of South Korea's DeMilitarized Zone, which, counter intuitive to its name, is the world's most heavily militarized zone. It is 160 miles long, and 2.5 miles wide, an allegedly filled with an astronomical number of landmines. Although I've read all about the DMZ, it was quite different experiencing it first-hand. A feeling of tension pervaded the area.

There have been four strategic tunnels discovered so far in South Korea. These tunnels were dug by North Korea decades ago to have a way to invade the south by going under the DMZ. Part of the tour was to visit the "3rd Tunnel", which lies about 27 miles north of Seoul. Yikes. Nearly 300 ft underground, it was about one mile long and about 5 feet high. I had to crouch through the entire thing. Ouch. And, unfortunately, photography was prohibited .

This is "World's Most Dangerous Golf Course". It consists of one single hole and is surrounded by landmines.

This is the JSA, or Joint Security Area. This is where members of the United Nations meets hold joint meetings with North and South Korea. The buildings themselves are built half in North Korea, half in South Korea.


The "Bridge of No Return". This bridge is a crossing point between the North and South. Eerie.


I was amazed at the size of this flag in North Korea. It stand 160 meters high, and is the largest flag in the world, weighing 600 lbs.


I'm glad I went on this tour. It's one of those "must-see" items before one leaves South Korea.

Cool!

Indeed. Speaking of cool, I have a question here from one of the coolest guys I know: Chris Girvan, of Alberta, Canada. It reads:

"Hey, Erik!
Sweet blog, eh? No dote abote it, as we say here in Canadia country, eh? My question: is there anything that you will NOT miss about South Korea? Thanks, eh! - Chris Girvan, Canada"

There sure are, Mr. Girvan. Allow me to introduce to you, the :

Top Ten Things I Will NOT Miss About Korea

1) Hoards of People

Here are the facts, readers. Seoul's population alone is over 10 million. The are 16,700 people per square kilometer, making it of one the most dense cities in the world. For a mental comparison, Seoul is roughly eight times more dense than New York city, which has only 2,050 people per square kilometer.

That's alot of people. At any given point, one can expect to be bumped, shoved, elbowed in the bread basket, knee'd in the shins, and /or have your head separated from your shoulders. Don't expect an apology, either. You won't get one. I have often found myself struggling with the temptation of dawning football shoulder pads / helmet and plowing over everyone in sight like a raging bull, leaving a trail of injured bodies behind. Fortunately, so far, I've been able to resist this temptation.


Look very closely. Can you find Waldo?


2) Vile Piles of Bile

Walk around the streets of Seoul on a Saturday night and you might find yourself amazed at the beautiful illumination. But be careful. You also might find yourself amazed at how you just stepped in a freshly spewed pile of vomit. And in the winter, if you are lucky, you may find yourself slipping on what appears to be ice, but upon closer examination, turns out to be the same pile of vomit - frozen to perfection. Yuck:

3) Obnoxiously Loud Fruit Trucks

"Peaches. Peaches. Come get your peaches. 10 for 3,000 won. 10 for 3,000 won. They're fresh. They're tasty. They're plump. Come get your johny stinkin' peaches!"

This is what you might hear as you pass one of these obnoxious trucks. Sometimes the truck is stationary. Sometimes it is driving slowly down a street, like an ice cream truck. Either way, with the aid of these blaring loudspeakers, they are incredibly annoying:

By employing a tape recorder, they can loop their sales pitch over and over. This comic strip echoes my sentiments well (Thanks, Rebecca Girvan):
4) Offensive Smells

Ah. "What's That Smell?" One of my favorite traditional Korean street games to play. Is it a sewer drain? No... Is it a large bag of fermented cabbage and other various rotting vegetables? Close, but no cigar... Hey, wait! Is it one of these monstrous piles of trash that can be found anywhere throughout the city? Yeah! You win!!

5) The "Dong-chim", or "Poop-needle"

Hey! Are those kids over there playing 007? It would appear so. But, upon closer examination, these kids are playing another traditional Korean game. It's called "Dong-Chim". Oh, how do you play? Step 1) Do the following with your hands:

Step 2) ambush an unsuspecting passer-by by poking your forefingers into his / her r*ct*m. Step 3) laugh at their painful reaction and run away! Oh, such wholesome fun! Below, Reuben Haggar, local expert, stands at the ambush ready position:



6) Motor vehicles on sidewalks

If there's anything that makes this mad caucasian man even madder than stepping in a vile pile of bile or being "Dong-chimmed", it's these people:

Hey, c'mon, Erik! What's the big deal about that?! Well, where I come from, sidewalks are for people who "walk" on the "side" of the road, hence the name. Ask any operator of a motor vehicle in Korea, and you would find that they disagree. They often pass by quickly, and within inches of grazing your appendages. I've often struggled with the temptation of clotheslining an oncoming motorcyclist and /or chasing one down and challenging him to a duel. Once again, the below comic echoes my sentiments towards these lawless men.
7) My Job

As it was my New Year's Resolution to "speak ill of no one", I will refrain from censuring anybody in particular (Ahem.. ahem.. my boss.. ahem..). I can't remember my time in Korea, however, without thinking about where I was employed for nearly 4 years. My office building was located on Yongsan Army Base, Seoul Korea. Interestingly, this building was constructed by the Japanese when they occupied Korea. Notice the star at the top. It was a symbol of the Japanese Imperial army (history buffs, help me out here). Also, notice the bullet holes in the buildings, left from the Korean War.

On my last day, I walked out of the gate, turned around and took this picture. A guard promptly approached me and asked me not to take any pictures. (He didn't insist on deleting it, though!). I obliged and walked away, never to see these wretched gates again:



8) Public Restrooms

Let's talk about Korea's public restrooms. My knowledge of women's restrooms is limited to one experience: I accidentally walked into one, did my business in a stall, only to walk out and notice several women - some giggling at me, some grimacing at me. Whoops. On the topic of men's restrooms, however, I am proud to say I hold far more expertise. Complaint 1) There is an old Korean lady mopping around your feet as you stand at the urinal. Complaint 2) Toilet paper is located in one large dispenser, typically at the entrance of the restroom. There is no "TP" in the stalls. Woe to the man who is unaware of this. 3) Some urinals are in plain view of passers-by outside. Apparently, Korea has yet to master the use of 90 degree angles.
9) People Cutting in Line

It was difficult to capture photographic evidence of this, but is it really needed? In America, the "line concept" is a holy, unwritten rule. You cut in line? Prepare for a beatdown. People in Korea, however, don't seem to share this concept. They are strict believers in the "cluster around an entrance concept". Old people are often the worse offenders here. They will masterfully maneuver their way to the front of the line as if they own the country. I've often struggled with the temptation of imitating these old people, out of curiosity.

10) Korean Winters

Brrrr. Cold. I thought that maybe, over time, I would get used to the winters here. Wrong. Each winter has been just as painful as the last. This most recent winter, in particular, has been particularly grueling. Korea is, by far, the coldest place I've ever lived. The indescribably cold winds come down from the arctic, piercing through your clothing, making even your bones shiver. Sorry, old man winter, but you will not be missed in the slightest.

Final Conclusive Thoughts

"Surreal" is the word I would use to describe leaving Korea after four years and returning home after nine years. It hasn't quite sunken in yet. And, it probably won't for a while.

One year ago, there were so many unanswered questions. Where to go? What to do? How to do it? In the course of the past year, these questions have been wrestled with, and its answers have been wrung out, like water is wrung out of a wet cloth. My time in Korea, which began so lonely and tumultuously, has come to an end in such peaceful felicity. I attribute much of this change to awesome, adventurous friends. These friends will be missed sorely.

And to Korea, I say the following final words: "So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish!"