Yesterday, dear friends, I celebrated my first glorious week of being home in the beautiful state of Tennessee. "The Volunteer State", as some refer to it, named after the volunteer soldiers who fought so valiantly in the Battle of New Orleans. Or, as I refer to it, "The Land of Milk, Honey, and Moonshine". This beloved state offers everything a man could ask for: the rugged Appalachian mountains of the east, the gentle rolling plains of the middle, and the Mighty Mississippi River of the west. Sacred ground indeed.
A week ago today, at 5:50 pm on June 6th, I set foot upon this sacred ground. Exhausted from a painfully long trans-Pacific flight, I was in a crabby, foul mood. Further exacerbating my foul mood was my level of personal hygiene, which had fallen to record lows: there was enough grease on my face to fry an egg, and enough oil in my hair to lubricate a small engine. Various offensive odors of unknown origin seemed to linger around me; passengers in my general vicinity probably suspected a sulfur deposit to be somewhere near. Despite all this, upon arriving at the Nashville International Airport I was enraptured with an indescribable feeling of felicity, joy, and relief. I kissed the ground in celebration. I was finally home.
Splendid, old chap. I trust that the resynchronization of your circadian rhythms was speedy?
Speedy? Not really. The process was painful, as it usually is, but my body finally seems to be in sync with the central time zone.
I see. And, I trust that you have become accustomed to the Tennessean lifestyle, my good man?
Indeed. As they say, you can take a man out of Tennessee, but you can't take Tennessee out of the man.
Ah, and have you completed the herculean task of securing an independent means of transportation?
I certainly have, my imaginary interlocutor. For this feat, I employed my most trusted automotive adviser and master negotiator, Robert E. Johnson. The mere mention of this name strikes fear into the hearts of salesmen everywhere. His negotiating skills, merciless. His observations and questions, profound and piercing. His thick black mustache, intimidating. Together, we scoured the local car lots, leaving a trail of weeping salesmen cowering in our wake, and finally found and purchased a suitable means of independent transportation.
Well, well. It would appear as if you are making considerable progress, old sport. What's next?
Yet another good question. Allow me to elucidate. Over the summer months, Tennessee will rest in peace. Its children will play in the streets without fear of scary men in pin-stripe suits; its public restrooms will be kept free of smokers and loiterers; and, its stranded kittens will be rescued from trees. Crime rates will drop. Birth rates will increase dramatically. You see, the modern day equivalent of the Three Musketeers will serve as loyal protectors of the state, sheltering it from harm. Shall I introduce these bold, brave, and gallant guardians?
Yes, please!
Guardian #1)
Name: Jesse "Eats Glass Shards for Breakfast" Bowman
Favorite Song: "40 cent Meat and 10 cent Whiskey"
Greatest Strengths: Athletic prowess off the charts. Can drive a boat.
Frightening Attributes: Once crushed a grown man's skull with his bare hands.
Other Frightening Attributes: Rumored to have a skeleton composed entirely of titanium. And, suspected of being sent back from the future to crush all opposing baseball teams.
Favorite Weapon: Brass Knuckles. Baseball bat.
(As if that's not intimidating enough..)
Guardian #2)
Name: Joseph Bowman, aka "Cotton-eye Jo", aka "Mass Distributor of Pain"
Favorite Songs: "Whistlin' Dixie" & "Jimmy Crack Corn"
Greatest Strengths: Can hibernate at will. Almost ambidextrous. Dashing good looks.
Most Frightening Aspect: Has proclivity to inflict great damage on parked motor vehicles. Also, due to a radiation accident, rumored to have developed ocular laser beams.
Favorite Weapon: Motor vehicles. Crowbars.
Guardian #3)
Name: Erik "Dirty South" Johnson.
Favorite Song: "A Yankee ain't no friend of mine" & "Achy Breaky Heart"
Greatest Weakness: Unable to grow facial hair. Unable to whistle.
Greatest Strength: Musket sharpshooter. Has a hard pair of shoulders.
Most Frightening Aspect: N/A
The first two mysterious guardians are my brothers. (My other brother, Tony Bowman aka "T-money", is unable to join our summer adventures because he is experiencing the joys of Navy basic training. Poor guy.) However, the remaining three will combine their powers and risk all to protect Tennessee from the evils of the modern world.
How delightful, "Dirty South" Johnson! It's great to have you back! It sounds like this summer will, for the lack of a better word, rock!
That is, indeed, the hope. It's good to be back in western civilization. It's also good to be back with family. I like family a lot. Almost as much as I like lettuce:
No comments:
Post a Comment