Feasting upon the Bones of My Enemies

From its formations at the confluence of the Holston and French Broad Rivers, the Tennessee River flows peacefully along guided by its age old borders from the mountainous east to the plains of the west. It then abruptly takes a northbound direction, whereby it eventually deposits its waters into the Ohio River. At its origin in Knoxville, the waters of the Tennessee River churn slowly as they circumvent the UT campus, advancing under the Henley Street Bridge, passing the Neyland Stadium which, the reader may be intrigued to know is the third largest stadium in the U.S., and finally bending around the botanical gardens of the University of Tennessee.

Around 2:10 pm on July 30th, if one were so inclined to promenade about the "Green Way", a walkway situated on the river's borders, one might have chanced upon a man walking, or rather marching, feverishly in the direction of the Neyland Stadium. His general appearance was somewhat savage, and one may have mistaken him for John the Baptist himself, only more barbaric. And, more Southern. His large, projecting forehead was covered by a coonskin hat. From his lips, protruded a large tobacco pipe which he held at the side of his mouth. And, although he wore no shirt, his torso was partially covered by a bright red bandanna around his neck and a satchel in which he no doubt carried some dangerous dagger, or perhaps, a delicious homemade sandwich. Around his waist he wore a bearskin tunic. Judging by his slender frame, he could be no more than 27 or 28 years of age.

This man was walking briskly towards the Neyland Stadium as we have mentioned, the home of the Volunteers. In his way, stood a young pimple-faced boy wearing thick glasses, carrying a half-peeled banana in one hand and three or four books in the other. A freshman, without question. Without any warning, the bearskin clad warrior unleashed a blood-curdling howl and planted his leather boot into the freshman's chest. His books flew into the air, his banana fell to the ground, and he himself stumbled backwards into a nearby trashcan, dazed and out of breath. The man picked the banana off the ground and devoured it, peel and all, in one bite, as Ugolino devoured skulls in the Inferno of Dante, and then resumed his march. He approached the locked gates of the Neyland Stadium, proceeding to rip them off their rusty hinges, as Samson undoubtedly would have done. Entering the stadium, he climbed to the top where he could command a bird's eye view of the entire campus and assumed a pose not unlike those heroes of old.

As the reader may imagine, this created a most peculiar scene. A man with the above description standing atop the Neyland Stadium, surveying the land as a king might do before issuing orders to his underlings to take it by storm? A small crowd of curious spectators began to gather below. Indistinct murmurs could be heard throughout its ranks, which were quickly swelling in size. The freshman who had been kicked into the trashcan finally regained his senses, mumbled a few indistinct words of pain, adjusted his glasses and caught a glimpse of the scene. The savage looked on the crowd below with satisfaction, perhaps satisfied with its size, and then silenced everyone with an almost mechanical movement of his arm stretching out toward campus, as Ceaser might have done in the Roman Coliseum. Finally, with as much eloquence to be permitted by a barbarian, he, or rather it, addressed the curious assembly.

"Citizens of Knoxville!", he paused, glancing into the onlooking crowd. His thunderous voice seemed to echo off every building on campus.

"Fools! Cowards! Uncircumcised heathens! I stand before you today to issue a warning of things to come. In a little more than a fortnight's time, a bloody campaign will commence. And, woe be unto him who stands in my way!"

The crowd was silent and attentive. The freshman shuddered and slowly crawled inside the trashcan, peeking out under the lid. The speaker continued.

"It will be a campaign lasting three long years, maybe more. A campaign more fierce than a grizzly robbed of her cubs. A campaign more terrifying than the hungry beasts who roam the African plains. Consider this your fair warning, you ingrates! Stay out of my way, lest you be trampled upon like the one cowering in that trash can over there!"

With an almost imperceptible grin, he made a gesture towards the trashcan which held the poor freshman, who quickly dropped the lid. He resumed.

"From August 16th, 2010, I, The Barbarian, will reign down terror on this campus. From henceforth, if any of you see me searching for a parking spot, you will gladly give up yours for mine. From henceforth, if any of you see me waiting in the line of a local restaurant establishment, or the book store, or the tuition office, then you will gladly let me in front. Professors - if any of you are so bold as to express dissatisfaction with my work, you will be promptly labeled an 'enemy'. Pedestrians - if I am late for class, and any of you further delay me by attempting to cross the street, you will be marked an 'enemy'. Fellow students - if any of you regard me as someone you wish to avoid social interaction with, for even us barbarians have social needs, then you too will have the dreadful misfortune of being deemed an 'enemy'. "

At this, one member of the crowd below snickered inconspicuously, but not in a voice so low that "The Barbarian" could not detect the perpetrator. He briefly disappeared, and returned with a seat from the stadium that had been torn out of the cement. He hurled this projectile at the culprit from atop the stadium, severing one of his limbs. The crowd gasped in unison, and gazed at the speaker in awe of his impeccable marksmanship.

"Be ye warned! The campus will be assailed, plundered and laid to utter waste. I will taste victory upon glorious victory! And, then, at last, I shall feast myself upon the bones of my enemies!"

With these parting words, the mysterious man disappeared once again leaping from seat to seat, as a mountain goat might leap from crag to crag, only this time he did not to return. Where did he go? What was his real name? What did he mean by these inexplicable last words, "feasting on the bones of his enemies"? Nobody knows...

Yet.