Pop Quiz!

1. The author of this blog, having suffered from the accumulated effects of both mental and physical fatigue, ________ in a local oil change establishment, only to be jolted by a one-armed man yelling his name.

a. threatened to overturn the conniving vending machine that stole his quarters
b. threatened to blow himself up
c. threatened to undress himself
d. peacefully fell into a deep slumber


2. Which of the following star players of the UT Men's basketball team did the author "chill" with last week at the UT gym? (By "chill", I mean that we engaged in a delightful conversation regarding the prospects of the upcoming season. By "delightful conversation", I mean that I stood from afar and waved in their general direction hoping to attract any indication that they acknowledged my existence.) Choose two.

a. Scotty Hopson
b. Melvin Goins
c. John Rambo
d. Conan the Librarian


3. There are 57 days remaining until which of the following exciting event occurs?

a. the author's favorite television program, Wheel of Fish, is back on air!
b. the grand opening of Spatula City
c. the commencement of yodeling season
d. the commencement of the 2010 UT basketball season


4. Last week, a/an ______ of average size unloaded the contents of his/her/its above-average sized _______ onto the hood of my car.

a. bird / intestinal tract
b. intimidating man wearing an eye-patch / assault rifle
c. not-so-intimidating man wearing a fanny pack /fanny pack
d. sort-of-intimidating man wearing nothing but old sweatpants / pockets


5. The acquisition of a ______ has transformed the author from a pathetic bachelor condemned to a deprived life of fried eggs and cheese to a still-kinda-pathetic bachelor privileged to the lavish life of various grilled meat-derived dishes.

a. mail-order bride from Vietnam
b. mute Nubian slave
c. alarmingly large jungle knife
d. George Foreman grill


6. Much to his excitement, the author has procured tickets to see which of the following events at the Knoxville Civic Auditorium on September 8th?

a. "A Prairie Home Companion" w/ Garrison Keiller
b. Live filming of "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman"
c. Annual Chainsaw and Other-Small-Machines-That-Cut-Things Festival
d. Interpretive dance performance of "Rambo IV: Rambo Once Again Loses His Mind and Obliterates Everything Within a 5-Mile Radius"


7. Despite having vowed a sacred oath to never do so again, the author recently returned home ____________ after having played his first game of soccer in over 10 years.

a. weeping
b. forlorn
c. melancholy
d. beaten, battered, bruised, but overjoyed at the absence of ligament damage


8. On September 5th, hundreds of thousands gathered in downtown Knoxville to witness an event referred to as "Boomsday" - the nation's largest Labor Day fireworks display. The author elected not to attend because _______.

a. he was mired in radioactive ooze
b. he was busily engaged in auctioning off two gorgeous blue ribbon chickens
c. he was conducting covert operations to topple the government of a remote unnamed Asian country
d. he was too busy sustaining bodily injuries playing soccer that morning and couldn't muster the energy to return on time.


9. Last week, the author received an item in the mail that caused him to 1) shudder violently, 2) reflect deeply over the meaning of life, and 3) reflect deeply on the nature of America's justice system. What was this item?

a. a wretched traffic ticket
b. a 10% off coupon for Spatula City
c. a personal letter from President Obama
d. an invitation to drink from the Knox county fire hose


10. This Saturday, for the very first time ever, the author will ______.

a. attend a Ketchup Advisory Board Meeting
b. attend a UT Football Game
c. go on exhibit at the local zoo
d. experiment with mind-altering drugs


Well? How'd you boneheaded bozos do? Grade 'em yourselves, you slimeballs!

1. D.
2. A & B. Yep. I almost talked to them. It was cool.
3. D. Holla!
4. A. And it's still there, serving as a constant reminder to wash my car.
5. D. Love this thing!
6. A. Holla! Even though nobody is going with me... (sniff, sniff)
7. D. It hurts. Still.
8. D. Forgive me, Knoxville!
9. A. Jerks.
10. B. Holla!

(*I apologize for the overabundance of "UHF" references.)