The Korea Chronicles, Volume IV

On April 19th, 1775 in Concord, Massachussetts, the famous "shot heard 'round the world" sparked what would become the American Revolutionary War. What connection does this seemingly unrelated historical event have with the author's life in modern day South Korea?

Allow me to elucidate, dear blog reader(s).

On Monday, April 19th, 2010 in Seoul, Korea - 235 years after the aforementioned event - another monumental event occurred, only on a smaller, more miniscule scale. The author's immune system had hitherto been substantially weakened over the previous 13 days by a wretched illness; but, on this day, a remarkable turn of events occurred.

Millions of white blood cells were involuntarily generated by the author's body, which consequently overwhelmed the ragtag forces of the nefarious infirmity. Overrun, the illness made its last stand. This last stand was a grand culmination of white blood cells bombarding the last remnants of the infectious invaders, not unlike the Seige of Yorktown in which the American and French troops bombarded the last remnants of the British forces. As the "shot heard 'round the world" signified the beginning of the Revolutionary war, a similar noise signified the end of this war. This noise was fearsome, terrifying. What was this noise?

"The bowel movement heard 'round the world"

Or, at least, heard within a 50-foot radius of the Yongsan Army base building 2552 second floor restroom.

As I had not had a bowel movement in almost a week, this event was warmly welcomed. It signified a restoration of health, the peaceful resolution to a long brutal battle, or a treaty, similiar to the Treaty of Paris. As soon as this montrous movement of the bowels had found its way out of the labyrinth of my intestines, I rushed to the nearest telegraph and, with my last ounce of strength, sent the following message in morse code to my sister:

"--.. --.
-..-.. .-.. -.. - -... - ..-.. -. .--.. - -.--.. -. .-. -..- .-.- .-.
..---. --.. --.. -.. - -..- .. -..-..- .---.-..---..- ..--..-.. -..-.-.--..-
.-.- .-.--...- .-.--.-. -.-.-- .- -
.. -...- "

Which, when translated literally, means:

"sister,
good news. very large bowel movement. first in days. rectum stretched beyond limits. sphincter cried out in anguish. porcelain melted. multiple flushes occurred. tell family. your brother"

With this, I will speak no more of the wretched illness. It has passed. Victory is mine. Let us move on to some recent adventures, shall we?

First, let me say this. I have recently befriended many alumni of Bethel University, of St. Paul, Minnesota. As Nashville Tennessee is renowned for cranking out country music stars, Bethel University, as far as I can tell, is renowned for cranking out bonafide cool dudes. It's a proverbial "cool dude" machine.

My most recent adventures have taken place alongside none other than these inexplicably "cool dudes". Approximately two weeks ago, mad genius Reuben Haggar, new friend Holly Schoephoerster, and I took a bus ride up to Ilsan, Seoul to visit the Freeburgs, a married couple who both embody the aforementioned "coolness".

This was my first time visiting Ilsan, and it was sweet. It was mutually agreed upon that appetites should be satiated. The appetite satiating festivities culminated with Seoul's bravest man, Reuben Haggar, being dared to drink a mysterious bowl of clam juice. Reuben, undaunted, accepted. The clam juice was devoured. Nearby spectators were in awe of this man's reckless courage:

Continuing on. Korea is a land of many sacred national pastimes - math and starcraft being the most prominent. Next in line, I'd say, would be karaoke, which Koreans affectionately refer to as the "No-rae-bong".

The Noraebong cringes at the sight of white people coming. Reuben Haggar, a fellow white man rumored to have made a karaoke machine bleed once, and I had colloborated during the week and created a list of songs to sing. This song list, which included epic anthems such as "The Final Countdown", was executed to perfection.

I can't recall a single instance where we scored lower than a 100, but then again, I have a memory like a goldfish. In sum, this Noraebong was dominated, conquered, and ravished for hours until it begged for mercy. Word!

More adventures: The Freeburgs, two other new Bethel alumni friends, and myself took a trip to the Korean War Memorial. Despite having walked past this enormous musuem nearly every day for the last four years on my way to work, I have never been inside. That is, until now. We took the place by storm. Take a look:

A giant teardrop made entirely of thousands of dogtags from the Korean War.

The famous "turtle ships" that Admiral Yi Sun Shin used to defeat the Japanese during the Im-Jin war of the 1590's.


Pete and I, standing in front of the War Memorial, had no idea what do with our hands here.


Most recent adventure: Korean baseball game. In one word: super good. As Pete so eloquently put it, "It knocked my socks off".

I will admit: Korea, not suprisingly based on their other odd cultural customs, is home to some peculiar baseball traditions. Look very closely at the red circle. What do you see?

Yes, a man - a man whose flamboyant actions might compel one to believe that he leads an "alternative lifestyle" - leading the crowd in cheers. Not your expected "Take me out to the ballgame" cheers, either. We're talking cheers that are completely unrelated to baseball. I found the man slightly distracting and annoying. Let us speak no more of this man.

Another inexplicable oddity I found was the wearing of orange plastic bags on the head in support of the visiting team. Everybody wore these bags as if it were second nature. Who would've imagined a plastic bag could be so fun!

This picture doesn't do it justice - imagine a sea of orange.



I'll leave you with this rather provocative picture and these final thoughts:

Ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack, ack.

(To be continued...)