1) Despite a sometimes overwhelming course load this semester, the author has not been prevented from enlisting in the ranks of "The Roosters" - a team that assembles from the deepest darkest corners of Rocky Top every Thursday evening to engage in which of the following sporting activities?
A) curling
B) medieval jousting
C) caged underwear wrestling matches
D) bouncing, shooting, and passing a basketball
E) knife fighting
2) At the outset of the season, it was generally agreed that "The Roosters" would meet little resistance in their quest for the league championship. But, lo! These lofty visions of glorious triumph and domination were quickly dashed upon of the rocks of despair when "The Roosters" suffered 3 consecutive losses, sending the hopeful team spiraling downward through which of the following four stages of grief?
A) Denial
B) Anger
C) Depression
D) Acceptance
E) All of the above
3) While shooting hoops at the UT gym, the author, much to his pleasant surprise, encountered and even interacted with which of the following national heroes / villains?
A) Reuben Haggar, the Terrible
B) Tobias Harris
C) Jason "Swashbuckling Stankusaurus" Stankus
D) Pete "Pit Stain" Freeburg
4) In an effort to make a positive contribution to the local community, the author recently volunteered his services at the Ronald McDonald House. In a grand reversal of fortune, however, the author, unaware of his surroundings as usual, came in contact with which of these wrecthed members of the plant kingdom, resulting in allergic outbreak?
A) Lovely daffodils
B) Aromatic lilacs
C) A lucky four leaf clover
D) Poison ivy
5) Mere hours had passed before the author discovered the first ill-effects upon his skin of coming in contact with above mentioned plant. Once noticed, which of the following imprecations involuntarily burst forth from the author's lips?
A) "Cursed weed from the pits of Hades!"
B) "God-forsaken vine of death and destruction!"
C) "Wretch! All is lost! All is ruined!"
D) "Alas! Smitten by this infernal devil of a plant!"
E) All of the above
6) On Monday, April 25th, the author was caught off guard by a sudden _______________ while walking from the UT library to the parking garage.
A) sudden torrential downpour of biblical proportions
B) bout of indigestion
C) desire to lay the entire city of Knoxville to waste
D) repressed urge to attach bells to my ankles and frolic around the campus in tights
7) The author's vehicle recently suffered a considerable amount of damage by __________.
A) a procession of unruly demonstrators hurling Molotov cocktails
B) a swarm of rare carnivorous boll-weevils
C) a violent thunderstorm producing golf-ball sized hail
D) a drive-by shooting in which a local gang who accidentally mistook my car for a rival gang member's.
8) During the author's morning commute to school on April 19th (the day after Tax Day), __________ caused him to rejoice greatly.
A) finally discovering the remnants of that long lost peanut butter & jelly sandwich under his front seat
B) narrowly escaping a potentially fatal encounter with those rare carnivorous boll-weevils
C) narrowly escaping the urge to succumb to the temptation of eating a value meal at the Burger King on Broadway - the worst restaurant known to man
D) the much-anticipated end to the tax season; mostly because the author would no longer have to encounter that annoying guy that paces the sidewalks dressed as the Statue of Liberty at the intersection on Broadway Street holding a sign for Tax Refund Loans
9) On April 19th, the author met his brother Jesse in Cleveland, TN to ___________.
A) plunder and pillage the town
B) defend the town against an incoming horde of barbarians
C) challenge him to a duel
D) cheer for him as Jesse's baseball team whipped the tar out of Lee University
10) From May 15th to May 30th, the author has plans to travel _____________.
A) to France & Switzerland
B) around the world in a hot air balloon
C) a depth of 20,000 leagues under the sea
D) back to the future, from whence he came
Bonus!) On April 26th, _____________ accompanied the author to Clingman's Dome, the highest elevation point in Tennessee (as well as the Smoky Mountains), to partake in a delightful sunrise breakfast.
A) a host of symbiotic parasites
B) an arsenal of automatic weapons
C) the mysterious and aromatic Kim Sanders
D) Conan the Librarian
Answer Key:
1) D. Every Thursday evening, an elite team consisting of 11 hand-picked recruits assembles from the deepest darkest corners of Rocky Top, collectively known as "The Roosters", emerging to compete in the Cedar Springs Basketball League.
2) E. Alas and alack! All of the above! In early March, despite being woefully unqualified, I was charged with the daunting responsibility of designing a scintillating team jersey for "The Roosters". While the degree of success of this jersey is questionable at best, it is still generally agreed that "The Roosters" are the snazziest looking team in the league. Despite having these snazzy uniforms and perhaps somewhat inflated expectations, "The Roosters" fell short their first 3 games, propelling them through every stage of grief. Denial and shock set in following their first loss. An even more heartbreaking 1-point loss in overtime happened the following week, which flared nostrils with the burning aroma of anger and frustration. And, despite their best efforts, a third consecutive loss wrought waves of depression upon the flagging team of fowls, but was shortly followed by a general sense of acceptance of the fact that "hey, maybe we're not that good after all? And, maybe that's ok?" Ironically, once this revelatory fact was accepted and embraced, the crestfallen "Roosters" finally plucked the sweet fruits of victory in their next two games. Go Roosters!
3) B. Tobias Harris! Although, it would've been just as pleasant a surprise to meet the others, I considered myself fortunate to briefly meet the star power-forward for the UT Men's Basketball Team. Holla!
4) D. Poison Ivy. Ick! Although I do not distinctly remember encountering the nefarious three-leaf vine, it announced its presence soon enough, in the form of boils and blisters spreading with an alarming rapidity on every limb of my feeble frame. Thanks to the wisdom and medical intervention of a certain Kim Sanders, however, the reaction was fortunately not nearly as severe or hideous as last summer's outbreak.
5) E. All of the statements included here, and many more, proceeded from my lips unrestrained directed at the vile effects of that heaven-forsaken vine.
6) A. This was no gentle April shower, folks. It was sudden, intense, and accompanied by powerful gusts of wind, the likes of which I had not seen since monsoon season in Korea. Though a mere 5 minute walk to my car, I was thoroughly drenched from head to toe, socks and all. As fate would have it, there were three perfectly good umbrellas awaiting me in my car.
7) C. While all plausible scenarios, it was a violent hail storm that was the culprit here. At 8:19 am on April 27th, golf-ball sized hail pelted and pummeled my car, damaging the entire body with dents and dings and even cracking the front windshield. While it is frustrating, I still consider myself fortunate in comparison to the poor souls in Alabama and elsewhere throughout the southeast who lost everything.
8) D. The Statue of Liberty guy. To my best recollection, he had been standing there steadfastly everyday since January through the harsh winter wind, snow and rain to advertise tax refund loans. He was last seen on April 18th - Tax Day - much to my joy. I often wonder why businesses in Knoxville employ people to dress up in ridiculous outfits and advertise for them at busy intersections, where a sign posted in the ground would be just as effective. I will be honest - despite this man's best efforts to lure me into a tax refund loan, I was never tempted in the least bit:
9) D. Jesse, my brother, and his squad from Cumberland University squashed the life out of Lee University, who was ranked #1 in their conference. Go Jesse!
10) A. I will be accompanying my noble sister and brother-in-law, a native of France, to tour France and Switzerland after this semester is said and done. Am I pumped about this? You better believe it, kid.
Bonus) C. If you said "the mysterious and aromatic Kim Sanders", give yourself a bonus point, old chap! Departing at 5:00 am sharp, Mademoiselle Sanders and I traversed more than 1.5 hours of Appalachian terrain to Clingman's Dome, hiked the short yet incredibly steep trail to the top, and delighted ourselves to the finest vista the Smoky Mountains can afford whilst partaking of a splendid breakfast at sunrise. Fun!
Alright! Tally 'em up! How'd you do, old sport?
